Well hello there!

  I am so out of the blogging loop and completely out of practice obviously.  It has been years since I have blogged and to be honest there are things I have missed about it and things that I didn't miss at all.  So the reason for my blog post after years of not blogging.  I am at a loss.  I honestly don't know where I have gone wrong.  I feel like I have the absolute naughtiest children on the face of the planet.  I am going to be real honest with you here.  Like, admit out loud things that I try not to even admit to myself in my innermost darkest places of my mind, honest.  We are done having kids.  That is not the part I was talking about, that part is no secret.  Here it goes: We are done having kids because I can't handle them (gasp!).  I honestly have such a hard time with the kids that I have there is no way I would ever consider having another one.  I am obviously doing something wrong as a mother and I don't want to subject another human being to my bad parenting.  I have 3 of Heavenly Father's sweet little innocent souls to try to shape and mold into somewhat normal, healthy, functioning humans in society and I am afraid I am doing it all wrong.  It is my job to love, nurture, and teach these tiny humans to be good, loving, nurturing people themselves.  I am not sure where I dropped the ball.  I have honestly been doing my best.  I love them fiercely and would do anything for them, they are my whole reason and purpose in life!  All I ever wanted to do in life was to be a Mom.  After high school I had zero desire to have any schooling, or career, or anything.  I just wanted to have babies and be a Mom.  A good Mom.  I never thought it would be this hard.  I don't really think it is this hard on everyone, but I feel like I screwed up somewhere and now I have to correct whatever parenting mistake I have made that has turned my two older kids into little monsters.  I need help. This is where I beg you for any suggestions, thoughts, or strategies that you have used that seem to help correct naughty behavior.  We have literally tried everything.  Timeouts, taking away toys, taking away privileges, and on, and on. I just started reading the Love and Logic books, and those suggestions don't really seem to be helping either.  Do I need to go to some seminars, or parenting classes??  I just don't really know what to do at this point.

  Whew!  Glad I got that off of my chest!  Now is where you leave me your comments about some fabulous secret that you have that will change my life and the lives of my sweet little innocent children.  They really are innocent in this.  I know that they are little and they don't know what they are doing. They don't know that their constant whining, crying, fighting, yelling, screaming, and other naughty behaviors are slowly but surely driving their mom completely insane.  I have to wonder though, if they know how bad it hurts when they turn their attacks on me.  I have heard far too many times the words, "I hate you." and "I wish I had a different mom."  among other things, coming from those little mouths.  There has to be some serious hostility built up in those little minds to say such hurtful things. 

Thanks for reading my ramblings.  I really hope this is just a phase and we can get it worked out soon.  Otherwise I will be blogging from the loony bin.  I will let you know when visiting hours are if you want to stop by!  ;)
   

4th of July

This year we broke tradition. For the first time since I met Brandon we did not go to the ReAL Salt Lake soccer game to celebrate the 4th of July. It was kind of sad to not be doing what we have always done. Brandon was even more sad than me. But we did go to the West Jordan Carnival and got to see our kids enjoy the fun things a carnival has to offer. Then we did a few fireworks and put the kids to bed...that might be the new norm around here for a few years. Staying up late is just not a good thing for my kids!

Exciting news!!

After much debate and persuasion Brandon and I have finally come to an agreement:

It is time for this little guy to get his first haircut!!

Before: This is Graham before. (I know he looks a little drunk in this picture, but I can guarantee he has consumed zero alcoholic beverages in his entire lifetime.)
You can really tell in this one how long it is. I am not gonna lie, I am in love with his little curls, but I also love how clean cut and handsome he looks without them.

It's too late to back out now!!

After:

See what I mean about handsome!?! I love his cute little round head!

Graham is one!!

...Ok he has been one for a while now...like 3 months. Anyway here is my little guy from day one to year one...

Isn't he cute!?!

This is the exact second Graham turned one!! (Ignore the pink sheets, with #2 you don't worry so much about what color sheets your kid is sleeping on!)

Now for the party pictures:

This year we did cake pops instead of a cake. Graham got to have 3 different Birthday parties so I got to experiment with different colors and flavors, it was a lot of fun and now I crave these things!!

I am SO big!

That is as messy as he got!!

I guess he liked the cake pop better!

~Baby #3~

No, this is not an announcement, but not that I got your attention I need your input.

How do you know how far to space your children apart? This has been a topic of discussion at our house for a while now and Brandon and I have a difference of opinion on the matter. How do we find a compromise where we are both happy?

He wants the next baby to be 2 years and 4 months after Graham because that is the space between Valerie and Graham. I think for the two of them that is perfect spacing, but I would like to give myself a little more space between Graham and baby #3. 3 years to be exact. Last night Brandon said to me "It seems like all of your reasons for wanting to wait are for you, you are just thinking of yourself." Is that so wrong?? If Mommy loses her mind and cant function because she is a crazy person will anyone in the house actually be happy?? Is it selfish of me to want a little more of a break in between kids? Going from 2 to 3 scares me a lot! It just seems like it would be so hard to have 3 kids. I am a wimp and have a hard time leaving the house with 2 kids, if there are multiple stops to be made I usually wait to do my running around when Brandon is home and can watch the kids. I can't imagine going places with 3 kiddos!

And, if we are being honest, I am worried about my body. I get so big when I am pregnant, and for some reason I allow myself to gain more weight than I should. I have been working my butt off...literally...and I am not looking forward to getting pregnant again and gaining a bunch of weight and being overweight for another year after the baby is born. Maybe with how health conscious I am now things will be a little different, but I don't see myself getting back down to the size I am now very quickly after I have another baby.

So help me out a little! How far is the spacing between your kids? Do you feel like the spacing between them is good, or would you have more or less space in between? Do you have 3 kids?? If so, how do you function!?! Is it as hard as I think it will be? Should I just have them all really close together and get it over with in a short amount of time?? What are your thoughts?

By the way, if we went with Brandon's plan of 2 years and 4 months that would put me getting pregnant in September...talk about soon!!

Angie

For those of you that don't know, i lost one of my very best friends to breast cancer 6 years ago. If it is not too personal I would like to share my experience this morning straight from my journal.

Have you ever had a dream that felt SO real that when you woke up you were completely overcome by emotion??

The first thing I remember is walking down a hallway or a street. I was walking toward a building or a classroom and as I got closer I noticed people started leaving out the front doors. I was looking for someone, but I didn't know who until I saw her. It was Angie. I knew right when i saw her that this was a rare occasion. I knew that I hadn't seen her in a really long time, but for some reason she was completely unaware of our time apart. To me it was the reuniting of two worlds that have been torn apart. For her it was just another day. She was working or going to school, I am not sure which. I wanted to throw my arms around her, squeeze her so tight, and never let her go. For some reason I couldn't do it. Maybe it is because she was not a hugger...when we were roommates I use to make her hug me almost every day, she hated it! :) So instead of hugging her and telling her how much I miss her and how my life is not the same without her I just walked with her and listened to her complain about her day. I kept trying to talk to her but I couldn't get a word in. She was so stressed out and busy with her day that she didn't even have time to realize the situation that we were in. She didn't notice that we hadn't seen each other in years. She didn't notice that I was trying SO hard to tell her something. She didn't notice that for me this moment was all I ever wanted, to get to see her again, to get to talk to her again, and to get to tell her how much I love and miss her. It was almost like I was invisible, like she could care less that I was really there. I was getting more and more frustrated throughout the dream. I couldn't just keep walking with her and listening to her talk about stupid stuff anymore! I had to tell her how I felt before our time ran out and it was too late. Just then she dropped a bunch of papers on the floor and got so upset with herself for dropping them. She was about to bend down to start picking them up when I finally grabbed her arm and yelled her name. I had to get her attention. When I yelled her name my worst fear came true. In that moment she was gone. I woke up...it was too late. I laid in my bed, alone, my heart aching to be with her. I closed my eyes and tried desperately to fall back asleep. Then the tears came. Tears that would not stop for the next two hours. I felt all the pain of losing my friend all over again as if it had been yesterday.

When Angie was sick we talked for hours and hours about everything. One of the things she asked me jokingly one day was, "What do you want me to send you when I get to heaven? Money, a hot husband, beautiful kids??" I thought about it for a minute and answered, "I just want you to come visit me in my dreams from time to time. I know once you are gone all I will want is to hear your voice again." She was shocked by my answer, and said I was the only person with that response, but promised me that she would come visit me every chance she got. I feel like last night was one of those times. It was SO real, the message so obvious.

Is it possible that she is walking with me in this life? Am I too busy and stressed out by things that don't matter to listen and pay attention to the fact that she is there?? Is she walking with me trying to tell me that she loves me and that I am missing the big picture?? I believe it is not only possible, I believe it is happening. I feel like this has been a huge wake up call for me and I need to fix the areas in my life that I am failing because I do not want to fail!! I want to make it back to be with her and to be with my family. And with that said, I am off to play with my kids because I want them to remember me as a mom that played with them and had fun with them, and not as a mom that was stressed out all of the time over stupid crap that doesn't matter!!

Pretty profound dream huh!?! Thank you for letting me share this with you, I hope that I can be a better person, starting today I will do everything I can to be better!!

My new BFF...

Not the girl...the treadmill! I have been working my butt off to meet a goal I made for myself: To run a 5K on my 30th Birthday.

I only have a month left to train and don't really know what I am doing so I am just making it up as I go. I am currently running 20 minutes and just about 2 miles a day. This will be my first 5K ever and I am so excited for it! I never really believed people that said that running is addicting...I am now a believer!!

Blah...blah...blah...

Ever have no motivation to blog?? That is me for the last like...oh 2 months! So here are a couple Christmas pictures...

New years eve with my awesome neighbors and friends... And last but not least, this little stud will be one soon!!

I will be posting about that one for sure!

Let it Snow!

The previous post is what happens when your husband hijacks your blog. I guess he is bored with it again and wants an update so here is some fun me and Valerie had in the snow while Graham took a nap inside cozy and warm...

...But I really do want to wish you all a Merry Christmas!!