For those of you that don't know, i lost one of my very best friends to breast cancer 6 years ago. If it is not too personal I would like to share my experience this morning straight from my journal.
Have you ever had a dream that felt SO real that when you woke up you were completely overcome by emotion??
The first thing I remember is walking down a hallway or a street. I was walking toward a building or a classroom and as I got closer I noticed people started leaving out the front doors. I was looking for someone, but I didn't know who until I saw her. It was Angie. I knew right when i saw her that this was a rare occasion. I knew that I hadn't seen her in a really long time, but for some reason she was completely unaware of our time apart. To me it was the reuniting of two worlds that have been torn apart. For her it was just another day. She was working or going to school, I am not sure which. I wanted to throw my arms around her, squeeze her so tight, and never let her go. For some reason I couldn't do it. Maybe it is because she was not a hugger...when we were roommates I use to make her hug me almost every day, she hated it! :) So instead of hugging her and telling her how much I miss her and how my life is not the same without her I just walked with her and listened to her complain about her day. I kept trying to talk to her but I couldn't get a word in. She was so stressed out and busy with her day that she didn't even have time to realize the situation that we were in. She didn't notice that we hadn't seen each other in years. She didn't notice that I was trying SO hard to tell her something. She didn't notice that for me this moment was all I ever wanted, to get to see her again, to get to talk to her again, and to get to tell her how much I love and miss her. It was almost like I was invisible, like she could care less that I was really there. I was getting more and more frustrated throughout the dream. I couldn't just keep walking with her and listening to her talk about stupid stuff anymore! I had to tell her how I felt before our time ran out and it was too late. Just then she dropped a bunch of papers on the floor and got so upset with herself for dropping them. She was about to bend down to start picking them up when I finally grabbed her arm and yelled her name. I had to get her attention. When I yelled her name my worst fear came true. In that moment she was gone. I woke up...it was too late. I laid in my bed, alone, my heart aching to be with her. I closed my eyes and tried desperately to fall back asleep. Then the tears came. Tears that would not stop for the next two hours. I felt all the pain of losing my friend all over again as if it had been yesterday.
When Angie was sick we talked for hours and hours about everything. One of the things she asked me jokingly one day was, "What do you want me to send you when I get to heaven? Money, a hot husband, beautiful kids??" I thought about it for a minute and answered, "I just want you to come visit me in my dreams from time to time. I know once you are gone all I will want is to hear your voice again." She was shocked by my answer, and said I was the only person with that response, but promised me that she would come visit me every chance she got. I feel like last night was one of those times. It was SO real, the message so obvious.
Is it possible that she is walking with me in this life? Am I too busy and stressed out by things that don't matter to listen and pay attention to the fact that she is there?? Is she walking with me trying to tell me that she loves me and that I am missing the big picture?? I believe it is not only possible, I believe it is happening. I feel like this has been a huge wake up call for me and I need to fix the areas in my life that I am failing because I do not want to fail!! I want to make it back to be with her and to be with my family. And with that said, I am off to play with my kids because I want them to remember me as a mom that played with them and had fun with them, and not as a mom that was stressed out all of the time over stupid crap that doesn't matter!!
Pretty profound dream huh!?! Thank you for letting me share this with you, I hope that I can be a better person, starting today I will do everything I can to be better!!